Good communication skills are key to successful relationships with our family and friends, as well as in more formal situations related to our job and our position in the wider community, and this is particularly true when it comes to having difficult conversations and resolving conflicts. 

Asking the boss for a raise, delivering bad news, or complaining to a neighbour about their anti-social behaviour are examples of conversations we would rather avoid, because finger-pointing, denial, arguments, and tears, are all possible outcomes of tough conversations. Each party has their own opinion, and is emotionally invested in achieving their preferred objective. So when the conversation does finally take place, anxiety about the outcome can affect people’s ability to think clearly and make reasoned arguments. Typically, they will either say very little, or become agitated and say or do things they may later regret.

If the thought of having these difficult conversations fills you with dread, there are ways to prepare yourself. You don’t want to play the bad guy or have the situation blow up in your face, but you want to make your position clear. You want to take charge and talk about it effectively. But how?

Preparing for the discussion

The funny thing is, the build up to the conversation is usually far worse than the talk itself. The agonizing over the details, when to approach them, how they may react, what you might have to counter with. All imaginary scenarios obviously, since we’re not able to predict how the other party is going to respond.

Even when all parties agree on the bare facts, it’s their interpretation of what the facts mean, and their ability to communicate them to others that matters most, so it’s natural to want to rehearse what we’re going to say. But that's a risky approach because the other party could react in any number of ways, and working to a script will hamper our ability to listen effectively and adapt to what is actually happening. Nevertheless, at the outset you should be able to;

• Explain the issues from your perspective.

• Give reasons why you see things the way you do.

• Acknowledge the other party may have a different viewpoint.

• Propose a way forward.

Starting the conversation

That said, difficult conversations tend to be unproductive when each party focuses solely on the problem from their own standpoint. So instead, a good way to start your conversation is from the perspective of a third party that describes (or at least acknowledges), the difference between each position in neutral terms.

Be present

Give your whole, undivided attention to the conversation and the person you're having it with.

Don’t over-simplify

If the subject of your conversation wasn’t complicated, it probably wouldn’t be so hard to talk about, so respect the issue you’re about to discuss.

Delivering bad news

Give bad news upfront. Tough messages should be simply and clearly stated in the first sentence. You cannot control the other person’s reactions, but you can anticipate them, and be emotionally ready.

Stand in their shoes

It’s natural to assume that our view of the matter is the right one. It’s also common to think the worst of others, and the best of ourselves! For example, if we feel hurt, then the other party must have meant to be hurtful. Yet, if we’re accused of being hurtful, we think they’re overreacting. This mind-set can make it difficult for us to understand the motivation for the other parties' actions and prevent us having a meaningful conversation. So, it’s essential from the outset that everyone is prepared to relax their grip on the certainty of their own views, and show interest in how others see things.

Listen

How effectively we listen is at least as important as how effectively we express ourselves. It’s vital to understand the other person’s perspective, rather than just our own, if we’re to come to a resolution. In fact, just helping the other person feel heard and understood can go a long way toward the resolution of a conflict. Unfortunately, it’s common for people to think they’re listening, while in their heads they’re actually formulating their next response, or thinking to themselves how wrong the other person is. The key to being a good listener is to be truly curious and concerned about the other person. Asking open questions, asking for more information, and giving the other person time to consider their response, are all techniques that show you care. Avoid questions that are actually statements, and do not cross-examine or use sarcasm. Another technique is paraphrasing the other person to clarify and check your own understanding. Acknowledge the power and importance of the other person's feelings, both expressed and unexpressed, even though you may struggle to see their relevance. Restrain yourself from drawing conclusions prematurely. Each person’s views and feelings are no less (and no more) legitimate and important than anyone else's.

Identity

At some point during the conversation your ability, your morals, or whether you’re worthy of love and respect may be called into question - any of which may threaten or challenge your sense of who you are; your identity. So it’s important you recognise and prepare for these deeper, internal conversations, and use them as a learning opportunity. The more easily we can admit to our own mistakes, our own mixed intentions, and to what extent we’ve contributed to the problem, the more balanced we will feel during the conversation, and the more likely it will go well. Other ways to maintain a balanced sense of self in difficult conversations include not trying to control the other's reactions, and instead, preparing for them.

Know your weak spot

Everyone has a weak spot, and when someone finds ours, whether inadvertently with a stray arrow, or deliberately because they want to hurt us – it’s easy to become defensive and fall into combat mentality. So take the time to learn what hooks you. Just knowing where you’re vulnerable will help you stay in control when someone pokes you there.

Express yourself

Expressing yourself is the next step. Once you’ve found the courage to speak, remember that it's not only what you say, but how you say it, that’s important. Say what’s on your mind in a way that is clear and assertive, without being aggressive or putting the other party on the defensive. Whether you’re the one initiating the tough conversation, or if a problem erupts out of nowhere, stick to these basics:

• Start by saying explicitly what is most important to you.

• Share the information, reasoning and experience behind your views. Give examples.

• Keep it straightforward and short; don't cloud your message with 'fluff'.

• Focus on the effect things have on you. Use ‘I feel’ statements.

• Don’t attack the other party or tell them what you think they’re doing wrong, such as ‘You always,’ or ‘You never’.

• Speak with care, not with caution. Caution prevents you from speaking your truth to protect feelings or reputations. Speaking with care makes you try hard to be accurate and respectful.

• Look ahead six months. The conversations that are hardest right now will seem less daunting from a distance.

Feelings and emotions

Difficult conversations are difficult because there are feelings involved, yet we generally try to ignore their emotional content for fear of getting upset and embarrassing ourselves. However, unless discussed openly between the parties, these unexpressed feelings can preoccupy people to the extent that they become a barrier to communication. The solution is for both parties to name them; “I see you're mad about that” or “I feel sad about what happened”. When emotions are called out like this it encourages the parties to talk about them, rather than allowing them to remain in the undercurrent of the conversation.

Combat mentality

Unfortunately, destructive feelings such as fear, anger, embarrassment, and defensiveness can course through us during a conversation we’d rather not have, leading some of us to react aggressively; and others rushing to smooth things over. We might even see-saw between both counterproductive poles. Instead, move to the middle: state what you really want. The tough emotions won’t evaporate, but with practice, you will learn to focus on the outcome you want in spite of them. You can defeat the other party’s combat mentality with strategy and skill.

The blame game

Focusing on blame is a bad idea because it inhibits our ability to learn what's really causing the problem, and doing something meaningful to correct it. The solution is to focus on mapping each party's contribution to the situation. For example, understanding causes, accepting responsibility, and taking action to avoid future problems. If, despite your best efforts, the other party remains focused on blaming and arguing about who is right, they’re unlikely to be able to move in a more positive direction until they feel they’ve been heard and understood. A good technique for moving the conversation onto a more constructive footing is to reframe what the other person is saying, and 'translate it' into concepts that are more helpful.

Staying on track

Always keep sight of the goal. When the other party persistently pushes the conversation off track, for instance, by interrupting or denying emotions, explicitly name that behaviour and raise it as an issue for discussion. This makes the other person aware of the behaviour, and may bring out more unexpressed thoughts and feelings. Often simply raising and clarifying an issue is enough to resolve it.

Take a break

If you find emotions getting heated, or defences going up, take a break for 15-minutes. This is how long it’s been shown it takes the body to metabolize adrenaline and for the heart rate to go down.

Finding a solution

Once you understand the other person’s perspective, and they understand yours, it’s time to find a resolution that both parties can live with. In cases where the conflict was based on a misunderstanding or a lack of insight to the other’s point of view, a simple apology can work wonders. At other times, there is a little more work required.

Problem solving

For those situations, problem solving is the final step. First, remember that the other party needs to persuade you just as much as you need to persuade them. Gather information and seek missing information. Identify the obstacles that need to be overcome. Ask what would persuade the other person. Tell them what would persuade you. Ask them what they would do in your position. Try to invent new options for dealing with the problem, and consider what principles could guide a fair solution. When the parties cannot find a mutually acceptable solution, each must decide whether to accept a lesser solution, or to accept the consequences of failing to agree and walking away. When a person does walk away, they should explain why. The important thing is to come to a place of understanding and try to work things out in a way that’s respectful to all involved.

Know when it’s not working

Because of the damaging effect that ongoing conflict can have on an individual or group of people, sometimes, simple conflict resolution techniques can only take you so far, and it may be advisable to cut ties completely. You must decide if a relationship may be improved by further discussion, or should be let go.

Follow up

Check in with the person the day after to ask how he/she's doing, and how they’re dealing with your feedback.

Do it again if necessary

And don't forget: it's always possible to return to difficult conversations that didn't go well. There's no harm in going back and saying something like “I feel I didn't get the chance to really explain my point of view. Do you have a minute so that I can explain it better?” Of course that will probably lead to a reply - and thus to a new difficult conversation, but that's not a problem anymore, right?

An added advantage is, that when you fully realise you can do it again, you'll be more relaxed and present during the conversation, which in itself creates a greater chance of success.

If you have any thoughts to share, or ideas for future posts, please do let me know. I would love to hear from you.