If you know someone, perhaps even someone you love and respect, who usually leaves you feeling worse for having been in his or her company, you may be the victim of bullying.

What is bullying?

In the simplest terms, bullying means one person, or group of people, being deliberately cruel to another person or group. Although childhood bullies are usually quite easy to spot, adult bullies can be sly, subtle, and difficult to expose. A life-long bully has had years of practice. Some have learned to be very cunning, and hide behind masks of authority, superior knowledge, money, or other type of power. Some are good at finding plausible excuses to justify their cruelty. But all bullies have one thing in common… they want to hurt someone; and the effect on the victim can be damaging and life-long.

How does it make you feel?

Bullying is intended to humiliate. It can knock your confidence and self-esteem, and may lead to more serious mental health conditions such as stress, anxiety, and depression the longer it continues. You may also feel anger and frustration, which can develop into aggressive and destructive behaviour. So getting help sooner, rather than later, is very important.

Why does it happen?

Much time and effort has been spent trying to discover what motivates a person to bully others, especially in childhood, where this type of behaviour usually begins. Stress, trauma, and a difficult home-life are common reasons, but amateur psychology is unlikely to help if you find yourself the victim of bullying. Compassion has an important role in rooting out the causes of bullying, but in practical terms, it is unproductive to waste time trying to ‘mend’ a bully, or ‘understand’ how he or she came to enjoy being cruel. The bully’s bad behaviour is entirely his or her responsibility, not yours, and when faced with a bully, your responsibility is to protect yourself from the emotional, social, or physical harm that the bully intends to cause.

How do I spot a bully?

Identifying someone as a bully is not always as easy as you’d think. Some bullying behaviour is obvious; but it can also be subtle, insidious, and cloaked in the most plausible of disguises.

Types of bullying

• Social bullying: Sometimes referred to as relational bullying, social bullying involves hurting someone’s reputation or his or her relationships, and is usually done slyly, without the victim realising. Spreading vicious gossip and rumours, turning friends against them, purposely leaving them out of the group, and embarrassing them in public, are typical social bullying techniques. By rolling their eyes and ridiculing some small action of their victim, the bully appears to others to be joking… but is actually separating his prey from the group, and preparing to take them down.

• Workplace bullying: Most employers will have a bullying and harassment policy to deal with workplace bullying, but it can be difficult to implement, especially in small businesses with only a handful of staff, some of whom may also feel intimidated by the bully. The victim may be belittled and made fun of by the bully in front of colleagues, who if challenged, will say it’s just ‘office banter’ and that the victim is being over-sensitive. Sometimes the victim has no idea what’s going on until something slips out from another employee, or they inadvertently hear a nasty rumour about themselves, or find that they’ve been excluded from a social event. Feeling isolated and insecure, and unable to trust their colleagues can destroy the victim’s personal and professional credibility in the workplace, and have a devastating impact on their career.

• Verbal bullying: This type of bully shames and insults with words, often criticising or teasing the victim’s ability, appearance, race or sexual orientation, and is very personal and distressing. What may start out as a harmless joke, when repeated, can soon escalate into bullying.

• Cyber bullying: The rise in cyberbullying is a by-product of the digital age and is a huge problem. It enables the bully to have access to the victim 24 hours a day, in their own home, via their phone or computer. The bullying can be overt or covert, and although it’s most common amongst teenagers, mature and emotionally stable adults can also be victims of harassing texts, emails and offensive social media posts.

What can I do to stop it?

When someone is bullying you, it’s unlikely that there’s anything you can say or do to make the bully feel like being nice to you. The best strategy is to change how you respond to them. Bullying behaviour won’t have the desired effect if the intended victim successfully stands up to the bully. Once you have identified a bully and know what to expect from him or her, you must choose not to be a victim, if you want the bullying to stop. Expose the bullying for what it is. Take a stand, and don’t back down.

But, how do I stop it?

The bully’s enjoyment is contingent on the victims’ fear of him or her, and their inability (or unwillingness) to fight back. Making a complaint against a bully who is generally liked, admired, or respected, can be extremely difficult, and possibly hazardous, for the victim. However, if you’re a bully’s victim, and you think, for whatever reason, that you can’t defend yourself - that isn’t the case. Here are some suggestions:

• Don’t ignore it. Bullies of all types often view being ignored as a sign of weakness, and it encourages them to keep going. Don't be afraid to speak out and report the person who is bullying you.

• Don’t show fear. This can be very difficult, but bullies feed off fear, and it encourages them to continue their cruel behaviour.

• Gather evidence. Keep a diary of the bullying by recording the dates, times, and places it occurs. If the bullying is online, take a screenshot.

• Stay connected. Bullies generally view isolated individuals as easier targets who are without friends to support them.

• Find someone you trust. Tell him or her what’s been happening to you. Name names and give details. Make your situation very clear. This may require a bit of courage, but you can find it.

• Arrange for a witness to the bullying. If the bully picks certain times or situations to victimise you, ask someone you trust to watch or listen when the bullying takes place. This works best if the witness is physically present for the event, and the bully is unaware of being watched or overheard. If, however, you must use any type of technology to record the bullying, find out first whether or not what you are doing is legally acceptable. In some instances, CCTV footage may already be available. Do your homework and be prepared.

• Think about how you currently react when bullied. Now think about how you would like to feel, think and respond in the future. Prepare your response in advance. You can’t change the bully – but you can change the way you respond to them.

• Confront the bully. You can do this yourself if you feel able; your trusted person or witness can do it on your behalf; you can go to your employer, hire a solicitor, or go to the police or other authority. The important point here is to expose the bully and call him or her to account. Confrontation and exposure, with evidence to support the victim’s accusations, are what the bully tries hardest to avoid. Once exposure happens, the bullying is likely to stop.

• Stay in control of your emotions. Don’t allow the anger, hurt and frustration you’re experiencing, to change the way you think and behave. Resist the temptation to lower yourself to the level of your abuser.

• Don’t allow him or her to provoke you into a physical confrontation. Someone may get hurt, and you could end up with a criminal conviction.

• Becoming a bully yourself is an easy trap to fall into. The old story of the nasty boss, who humiliated the worker, who went home and shouted at the wife, who smacked the elder son, who punched the little sister, who pulled the dog’s tail, who ran down the path and bit the postman… shows us how cruelty spreads like a contagious disease. You don’t want to be that person.

• Suicide may stop you from being bullied, but it won’t stop the bully from finding a new victim. If you are having thoughts about ending your own life, GET HELP IMMEDIATELY. The problem lies with the bully – not you!

Get Help

Most adult bullies were bullied as children, which is when they learned that subduing those around them gives them the power and respect they need to feel important. Unfortunately, there is very little you can do to change an adult bully, but if you can document the bullying, there are legal and civil remedies that can protect you.

The internet, and the growth of social media in particular, has increased the number of potential victims for bullies to target. But it has also spawned an increased awareness of bullying in all it’s forms, and provides a wealth of practical help and support for victims. So if you think you’re being bullied, and are not sure how to deal with it, get help today. You’re not alone.

If you have any thoughts to share, or ideas for future posts, please do let me know. I would love to hear from you.